FATAWESOME

Written by Jimmy, art by Justin.

Written by Justin, art by Jimmy.

<from the archive>

I studied abroad in Australia the fall of junior year.   The campus was in the middle of the woods (the bush) and the nearest market was a bus-ride away.  The cafeteria, which had extremely limited hours, was the only accessible place to get food.  After missing dinner because of a later class, I depended on my previously stored meal in the common-room fridge.  Without fail, someone would eat my food every day of the three days a week that I missed dinner.  The only other American on my floor, who also didn’t have the luxury of a personal fridge, had their meals consistently stolen.  On one particular occasion, I placed a bag of melted kit kat bites in the freezer, only to return the next day and find a little nugget of chocolate with teeth marks scraped into it.

I finally bought a chocolate cake along with two boxes of chocolate laxatives.  After cutting away a quarter of the cake, I lined the rest with the laxatives.  The box warned against consuming more than four within a 24-hour period- I put 48.  Even though I politely wrote “please don’t eat,” the next morning the cake was gone.  I waited to do this until the last week before leaving the country, assuming that the person had died.  And in case they didn’t, I posted this picture on the fridge-

A brand new shirt design has been added to the fatawesome store.

In these threads- you’ll be the first to make friends at your new summer job, you’ll turn heads in the park, and most importantly- you’ll draw attention away from your slightly visible dong through your mesh shorts while working out at the gym.

A new video brought to you by FATAWESOME.
(Featuring a depressed chimpanzee.)

Attention Red Sox fans. As a dedicated sox fan, are you ever confused at which products you should buy? Do you ever go shopping and question your loyalty when you realize you forgot your Boston Red Sox official sponsor list? Have you ever found yourself crouching naked, shivering over stubborn kindling wood praying for help; warmed only by a baseball cap fitting snuggly on your head, cursing your beloved organization for ruining your free will as a consumer? Well now your hackneyed prayers to the baseball gods are answered. Foreverflame was announced yesterday to be the newest Red Sox sponsor and will hold the greatly desired position as “Official Fire Bellow of the Boston Red Sox”.

Foreverflame was founded in 1688 by English settler Roger Chillingworth after a bitterly cold New England winter forced him to use 8 of his 12 children for firewood. Chillingworth’s business once floundered in a greatly competitive hearth industry but recently has blossomed into the oldest Fortune 500 company in America. “No comment”, said Red Sox owner John Henry of his motivation for the sponsorship.

Joining the likes of the “official data storage provider” (EMC Corp.) and the “official windshield-replacement company” (Giant Glass), Foreverflame agreed to an official sponsorship contract for a rumored 8 figure per year deal. Foreverflame vice president Joe Waterstone believes the exclusivity of the sponsorship is worth the money saying, “I feel replacing Wally the Green the Monster with an oversized fireplace accessory will add a nice touch to the ballpark”. Besides exclusive mascot privileges, umpires at Fenway Park will be contractually obligated to clean home plate every three pitches with a bellow, while the pitcher yells “Foreverflame!”

On August 27th, to celebrate their newest partnership Fenway Park will be holding “Fire Safety Awareness Day”. Game long festivities will include handing out bundles of firewood to the first 350 lucky fans as well as starting massive fires throughout the ballpark. Thanks to the Red Sox’s newest official sponsor, fans can rest easy the next time they are in risk of a smoldering fire or are smelting iron ore.