The Cement Foundation is working to end the absence of huge crystals from my apartment. “Amethyst in Our Midst” unites people of all races and ethnicities to pursue an agenda aimed at: 1) Increasing participation in, and understanding of, purchasing large geodes. 2)Raising awareness on the benefits of Fatawesome owning this geode. 3) Prevention of others from purchasing this geode. 4) Improvement in the quality of life for small children or gnomes who may dwell in it. 5) Filling the gap between my dresser and bed. 6) Impressing passersby that happen to gaze into my bay window.

This particular large geode from Uruguay is extremely valuable after evidence surfaced of an unusual effect. It has been speculated that large concentrations of amethyst attract Sylvester Stallone. Scientists investigated such phenomenon after the third annual Stone Collectors Convention, where Stallone was spotted and quoted saying “I don’t know why I’m here or how I got here”.

After months of controversial testing, it was found that Stallone’s DNA sequences are over 99.9% similar to that of this giant crystal. Further investigation is warranted for proof that Stallone was in fact birthed from a large geode. Also, it may be no coincidence that if you remove every letter from the middle of Sylvester’s last name you get ’stone’. The rumors and legends surrounding ’stone’ Stallone have found their way into children’s nightmares. One particular urban legend suggests that if one recites “rocky rambo” three times while hold amethyst in a darkened room, Stallone will appear. Busting these myths will be one of the many tasks of Fatawesome after obtaining the gigantic crystal.

Please help this worthy cause by emailing money to Fatawesome. The Cement Foundation is a non-profit organization founded by the members of Fatawesome.

(To purchase the crystal on our behalf, it is available through the Wegner’s Quartz Crystal Mine.)

Dear M. Night,

Your other movies were good.

Executive 2: Flava Flav still with that skank?

Executive 1: No, but he’s had 2 more kids and hes engaged with a wildebeast.

Executive 2: What about that rocker guy, Axel or Sebastian whatever… is he with whatever groupie ?

Executive 1: No, he dumped her immediately after making the crazy bitch fall in love with him.

Executive 2: Hmm… What about all the rejected bitches from these shows that thought they were going to have careers after, I’m sure they are all looking for jobs.

Executive 1: How about we have them get together with a drill instructor, former stripper, and Will Ben Stein and see how much weight they can lose by excercising their body and mind.

Executive 2: Well, we have actually done some prelimary tests with that show and the problem is that the ones that strip can’t read and no one wants to see the ones who can read strip.

Executive 1: How bout we put them on a deserted island with nerds and gorillas and see who they mate with. We can call it America’s first social AND Scientific study.

Executive 2: Its been done, how do you think Thing 1 and Thing 2 got here. Freak hybrid clones from a gorilla experiment.

Executive 1: How about we just give them money and booze and let them just get naked and fight.

Executive 2: Perfect.