FATAWESOME

Fatawesome’s philanthropic organization, the Cement Foundation, is holding its first annual charity fundraiser, entitled “Amethyst in Our Midst”. The purpose of this event is to raise the necessary money to purchase a large amethyst geode.

The Cement Foundation is working to end the absence of huge crystals from my apartment. “Amethyst in Our Midst” unites people of all races and ethnicities to pursue an agenda aimed at: 1) Increasing participation in, and understanding of, purchasing large geodes. 2)Raising awareness on the benefits of Fatawesome owning this geode. 3) Prevention of others from purchasing this geode. 4) Improvement in the quality of life for small children or gnomes who may dwell in it. 5) Filling the gap between my dresser and bed. 6) Impressing passersby that happen to gaze into my bay window.

This particular large geode from Uruguay is extremely valuable after evidence surfaced of an unusual effect. It has been speculated that large concentrations of amethyst attract Sylvester Stallone. Scientists investigated such phenomenon after the third annual Stone Collectors Convention, where Stallone was spotted and quoted saying “I don’t know why I’m here or how I got here”.

After months of controversial testing, it was found that Stallone’s DNA sequences are over 99.9% similar to that of this giant crystal. Further investigation is warranted for proof that Stallone was in fact birthed from a large geode. Also, it may be no coincidence that if you remove every letter from the middle of Sylvester’s last name you get ’stone’. The rumors and legends surrounding ’stone’ Stallone have found their way into children’s nightmares. One particular urban legend suggests that if one recites “rocky rambo” three times while hold amethyst in a darkened room, Stallone will appear. Busting these myths will be one of the many tasks of Fatawesome after obtaining the gigantic crystal.

Please help this worthy cause by emailing money to Fatawesome. The Cement Foundation is a non-profit organization founded by the members of Fatawesome.

(To purchase the crystal on our behalf, it is available through the Wegner’s Quartz Crystal Mine.)

Dear M. Night,

Your other movies were good.

Executive 1: Ok, we need a new show for next season.

Executive 2: Flava Flav still with that skank?

Executive 1: No, but he’s had 2 more kids and hes engaged with a wildebeast.

Executive 2: What about that rocker guy, Axel or Sebastian whatever… is he with whatever groupie ?

Executive 1: No, he dumped her immediately after making the crazy bitch fall in love with him.

Executive 2: Hmm… What about all the rejected bitches from these shows that thought they were going to have careers after, I’m sure they are all looking for jobs.

Executive 1: How about we have them get together with a drill instructor, former stripper, and Will Ben Stein and see how much weight they can lose by excercising their body and mind.

Executive 2: Well, we have actually done some prelimary tests with that show and the problem is that the ones that strip can’t read and no one wants to see the ones who can read strip.

Executive 1: How bout we put them on a deserted island with nerds and gorillas and see who they mate with. We can call it America’s first social AND Scientific study.

Executive 2: Its been done, how do you think Thing 1 and Thing 2 got here. Freak hybrid clones from a gorilla experiment.

Executive 1: How about we just give them money and booze and let them just get naked and fight.

Executive 2: Perfect.

<from the archive>

I studied abroad in Australia the fall of junior year.   The campus was in the middle of the woods (the bush) and the nearest market was a bus-ride away.  The cafeteria, which had extremely limited hours, was the only accessible place to get food.  After missing dinner because of a later class, I depended on my previously stored meal in the common-room fridge.  Without fail, someone would eat my food every day of the three days a week that I missed dinner.  The only other American on my floor, who also didn’t have the luxury of a personal fridge, had their meals consistently stolen.  On one particular occasion, I placed a bag of melted kit kat bites in the freezer, only to return the next day and find a little nugget of chocolate with teeth marks scraped into it.

I finally bought a chocolate cake along with two boxes of chocolate laxatives.  After cutting away a quarter of the cake, I lined the rest with the laxatives.  The box warned against consuming more than four within a 24-hour period- I put 48.  Even though I politely wrote “please don’t eat,” the next morning the cake was gone.  I waited to do this until the last week before leaving the country, assuming that the person had died.  And in case they didn’t, I posted this picture on the fridge-

Attention Red Sox fans. As a dedicated sox fan, are you ever confused at which products you should buy? Do you ever go shopping and question your loyalty when you realize you forgot your Boston Red Sox official sponsor list? Have you ever found yourself crouching naked, shivering over stubborn kindling wood praying for help; warmed only by a baseball cap fitting snuggly on your head, cursing your beloved organization for ruining your free will as a consumer? Well now your hackneyed prayers to the baseball gods are answered. Foreverflame was announced yesterday to be the newest Red Sox sponsor and will hold the greatly desired position as “Official Fire Bellow of the Boston Red Sox”.

Foreverflame was founded in 1688 by English settler Roger Chillingworth after a bitterly cold New England winter forced him to use 8 of his 12 children for firewood. Chillingworth’s business once floundered in a greatly competitive hearth industry but recently has blossomed into the oldest Fortune 500 company in America. “No comment”, said Red Sox owner John Henry of his motivation for the sponsorship.

Joining the likes of the “official data storage provider” (EMC Corp.) and the “official windshield-replacement company” (Giant Glass), Foreverflame agreed to an official sponsorship contract for a rumored 8 figure per year deal. Foreverflame vice president Joe Waterstone believes the exclusivity of the sponsorship is worth the money saying, “I feel replacing Wally the Green the Monster with an oversized fireplace accessory will add a nice touch to the ballpark”. Besides exclusive mascot privileges, umpires at Fenway Park will be contractually obligated to clean home plate every three pitches with a bellow, while the pitcher yells “Foreverflame!”

On August 27th, to celebrate their newest partnership Fenway Park will be holding “Fire Safety Awareness Day”. Game long festivities will include handing out bundles of firewood to the first 350 lucky fans as well as starting massive fires throughout the ballpark. Thanks to the Red Sox’s newest official sponsor, fans can rest easy the next time they are in risk of a smoldering fire or are smelting iron ore.

‘Twas the night before GTA IV and all through the dorm,
not a student could sleep, anticipating the following morn.

With their laptops a’glow they laid awake in their beds,
while visions of ghostriding motorcycles danced in their heads.

All papers were turned in weeks before due,
and all absences saved for this gaming debut.

The hallways were empty, the RAs were gone,
they camped out at Best Buy ’til it opened at dawn.
So I stared out my window and gazed at the stars,
dreaming of beating pedestrians and stealing cop-cars.

Images of morning flashed through my head-
The sidewalks are abandoned, the dining hall’s dead.
“It’s Grand Theft Auto Day,” one student declares,
while professors stare upon empty desk-chairs.

Back to reality, assured my papers were emailed,
I fought back my urges but facebook prevailed.
No friend adds or pokes, but three group invitations,
And a list of requests for ignored applications.

I depend on the internet to kill some more time,
Collegehumor and Youtube are favorites of mine.
I even give my old Yahoo account a quick look,
over a thousand BULK mails, it’s back to facebook.
No updates in the last three seconds- surprise,
so I laid down in bed and force shut my eyes.

When out of the bathroom arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bunk to check on the matter.
Away to the stalls I kicked open the door,
to find my dear roommate curled on the floor.
He rocked back and forth, while clutching his knees,
then faintly exclaimed, “Tell me it’s morning please.”
Back to our room I led him away,
“Sleep,” I whispered, “for tomorrow we play.”

My schedule was cleared as strategically planned,
Goodbye internet world, I’m sure you’ll understand.

And as I begin to drift off to sleep,
I count guns in my head, rather than sheep.
Alas I remember, there’s one thing remaining,
my preoccupation will need some explaining.
So I post an away messege that’s brilliantly witty-
FATAWESOME.com is off to Liberty City.

They say that necessity is the father of invention, but a local personal trainer and part-time inventor disagrees. Maceo Braxton, of Worcester MA, has dubbed himself the father of the father of invention, also known among family and friends as the grandfather of invention.

“So many day-to- day activities take up more time and effort than they should so I am constantly coming up with ideas to simplify my life. Since I decided to pursue this new venture I haven’t been able to sleep. I always carry a notebook and pencil with me to write down my ideas- which logically led to the creation of my pencil-notebook mittens.”

Braxton’s first invention, patent-pending, is projected to revolutionize the snacking world. The new oreo-friendly dipping cup has already created quite a stir in his neighborhood, leaving children and the elderly alike, licking their blackened teeth between smiles. The product’s design is similar to a normal cup, but with double the circumference. This altercation allows even the largest of hands to dunk an oreo smoothly into the milk of their choice, leaving the edges of their cup smudgeless and their fingers lactose-free.

“I am also in the process of patenting an entire series of creations that will allow people to remove leisure activities from their schedule. After a long week of work or school, everyone has their hobbies to tend to- from video games, painting, sports, gardening, reading, or listening to music. I want to make machines that will do these activities for people. Imagine a machine that would play video games, or even go bird-watching for you. Imagine the ability to do absolutely nothing. Maybe someday we’ll even have an invention that will invent things for us.”

An optimistic Braxton, who spends days and nights in his garage, has vowed not to rest until he can rest more easily or have something rest for him. Until then, the public will carry on their lives with slightly more ease at the expense of this brilliant man.

With the recent warm weather, many New England residents have jump-started their spring-cleaning. Terrance Wilson, of North Billerica, Massachusetts, was one of many to crack open their attic for the first time since the holiday season. It was Saturday afternoon when Wilson made a discovery that shocked him and paleontologists around the globe.

“Since my father passed away, all of his belongings have stayed in boxes in our attic. I never really brought myself to go through them until we ran out of room to keep our beenie baby collection. My father always told me that several of the boxes held priceless family heirlooms. He always said our family had been very nostalgic, handing down items from generation to generation. I knew we had some Civil War artifacts and a few carving tools from ancient Mesopotamia, but the dinosaur bone was an unsuspected treat.”

The bone was sent to the Paleontologist Research and Preservation Center in Del Perto, Utah, where carbon dating proved its authenticity. Further investigation confirmed that the bone belonged to a previously undiscovered species. The dinosaur was a 15-meter-long omnivore, a second cousin of the carnivore, Rajasaurus narmadensis, discovered in Madagascar in 2006. Taimur Malik, director at the center, speculated that the dinosaur stood about 6 meters tall and had exceptionally large mammary glands. The center also gave Terrance Wilson the privilege of naming the newly discovered species.

“When I first pulled the bone out of that box I knew it belonged to a dinosaur. It just felt prehistoric; although, I didn’t expect it to belong to an unheard of species. When they told me that I had the honor of naming it, I instantly imagined how cool it would be for my daughter to tell her first grade class that her dad has a dinosaur named after him. Then I finally decided it would be cooler if I let her name it.”

The bone can be seen until the end of the month at Boston’s Museum of Science. The exhibit will be doing a tour of the country before being shipped to Europe, where the Spongebobosaurus will find its home at the Natural History Museum in London, England.

With the economy steadily declining, American consumers are looking for better deals and more for their dollar. In response, manufacturers are now producing items with increasing utility that are multi-purpose. Products like Old Spice High Endurance hair & bodywash, Crest plus Scope toothpaste, and Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer razor are just a few.

Following suit, Valvoline announced on Monday that it will come out with a groundbreaking new motor oil + personal lubricant called Motorjerk. Valvoline spokespeople stated that the dual action formula will satisfy the need for a more versatile lubricant, giving consumers more bang for their buck. With their new product, Valvoline promises reduced friction, improved viscosity, reduced wear at high temperatures, prevention of clogs and decreased sludge buildup; while also protecting car engines as a motor oil. While this is a bold move by Valvoline, multi-purpose products such as Motorjerk are becoming more common in America because of increased demand for cheaper commodities.