FATAWESOME

Dear M. Night,

Your other movies were good.

Written by Jimmy, art by Justin.

Written by Justin, art by Jimmy.

<from the archive>

I studied abroad in Australia the fall of junior year.   The campus was in the middle of the woods (the bush) and the nearest market was a bus-ride away.  The cafeteria, which had extremely limited hours, was the only accessible place to get food.  After missing dinner because of a later class, I depended on my previously stored meal in the common-room fridge.  Without fail, someone would eat my food every day of the three days a week that I missed dinner.  The only other American on my floor, who also didn’t have the luxury of a personal fridge, had their meals consistently stolen.  On one particular occasion, I placed a bag of melted kit kat bites in the freezer, only to return the next day and find a little nugget of chocolate with teeth marks scraped into it.

I finally bought a chocolate cake along with two boxes of chocolate laxatives.  After cutting away a quarter of the cake, I lined the rest with the laxatives.  The box warned against consuming more than four within a 24-hour period- I put 48.  Even though I politely wrote “please don’t eat,” the next morning the cake was gone.  I waited to do this until the last week before leaving the country, assuming that the person had died.  And in case they didn’t, I posted this picture on the fridge-

‘Twas the night before GTA IV and all through the dorm,
not a student could sleep, anticipating the following morn.

With their laptops a’glow they laid awake in their beds,
while visions of ghostriding motorcycles danced in their heads.

All papers were turned in weeks before due,
and all absences saved for this gaming debut.

The hallways were empty, the RAs were gone,
they camped out at Best Buy ’til it opened at dawn.
So I stared out my window and gazed at the stars,
dreaming of beating pedestrians and stealing cop-cars.

Images of morning flashed through my head-
The sidewalks are abandoned, the dining hall’s dead.
“It’s Grand Theft Auto Day,” one student declares,
while professors stare upon empty desk-chairs.

Back to reality, assured my papers were emailed,
I fought back my urges but facebook prevailed.
No friend adds or pokes, but three group invitations,
And a list of requests for ignored applications.

I depend on the internet to kill some more time,
Collegehumor and Youtube are favorites of mine.
I even give my old Yahoo account a quick look,
over a thousand BULK mails, it’s back to facebook.
No updates in the last three seconds- surprise,
so I laid down in bed and force shut my eyes.

When out of the bathroom arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bunk to check on the matter.
Away to the stalls I kicked open the door,
to find my dear roommate curled on the floor.
He rocked back and forth, while clutching his knees,
then faintly exclaimed, “Tell me it’s morning please.”
Back to our room I led him away,
“Sleep,” I whispered, “for tomorrow we play.”

My schedule was cleared as strategically planned,
Goodbye internet world, I’m sure you’ll understand.

And as I begin to drift off to sleep,
I count guns in my head, rather than sheep.
Alas I remember, there’s one thing remaining,
my preoccupation will need some explaining.
So I post an away messege that’s brilliantly witty-
FATAWESOME.com is off to Liberty City.

They say that necessity is the father of invention, but a local personal trainer and part-time inventor disagrees. Maceo Braxton, of Worcester MA, has dubbed himself the father of the father of invention, also known among family and friends as the grandfather of invention.

“So many day-to- day activities take up more time and effort than they should so I am constantly coming up with ideas to simplify my life. Since I decided to pursue this new venture I haven’t been able to sleep. I always carry a notebook and pencil with me to write down my ideas- which logically led to the creation of my pencil-notebook mittens.”

Braxton’s first invention, patent-pending, is projected to revolutionize the snacking world. The new oreo-friendly dipping cup has already created quite a stir in his neighborhood, leaving children and the elderly alike, licking their blackened teeth between smiles. The product’s design is similar to a normal cup, but with double the circumference. This altercation allows even the largest of hands to dunk an oreo smoothly into the milk of their choice, leaving the edges of their cup smudgeless and their fingers lactose-free.

“I am also in the process of patenting an entire series of creations that will allow people to remove leisure activities from their schedule. After a long week of work or school, everyone has their hobbies to tend to- from video games, painting, sports, gardening, reading, or listening to music. I want to make machines that will do these activities for people. Imagine a machine that would play video games, or even go bird-watching for you. Imagine the ability to do absolutely nothing. Maybe someday we’ll even have an invention that will invent things for us.”

An optimistic Braxton, who spends days and nights in his garage, has vowed not to rest until he can rest more easily or have something rest for him. Until then, the public will carry on their lives with slightly more ease at the expense of this brilliant man.