FATAWESOME

Fatawesome’s philanthropic organization, the Cement Foundation, is holding its first annual charity fundraiser, entitled “Amethyst in Our Midst”. The purpose of this event is to raise the necessary money to purchase a large amethyst geode.

The Cement Foundation is working to end the absence of huge crystals from my apartment. “Amethyst in Our Midst” unites people of all races and ethnicities to pursue an agenda aimed at: 1) Increasing participation in, and understanding of, purchasing large geodes. 2)Raising awareness on the benefits of Fatawesome owning this geode. 3) Prevention of others from purchasing this geode. 4) Improvement in the quality of life for small children or gnomes who may dwell in it. 5) Filling the gap between my dresser and bed. 6) Impressing passersby that happen to gaze into my bay window.

This particular large geode from Uruguay is extremely valuable after evidence surfaced of an unusual effect. It has been speculated that large concentrations of amethyst attract Sylvester Stallone. Scientists investigated such phenomenon after the third annual Stone Collectors Convention, where Stallone was spotted and quoted saying “I don’t know why I’m here or how I got here”.

After months of controversial testing, it was found that Stallone’s DNA sequences are over 99.9% similar to that of this giant crystal. Further investigation is warranted for proof that Stallone was in fact birthed from a large geode. Also, it may be no coincidence that if you remove every letter from the middle of Sylvester’s last name you get ’stone’. The rumors and legends surrounding ’stone’ Stallone have found their way into children’s nightmares. One particular urban legend suggests that if one recites “rocky rambo” three times while hold amethyst in a darkened room, Stallone will appear. Busting these myths will be one of the many tasks of Fatawesome after obtaining the gigantic crystal.

Please help this worthy cause by emailing money to Fatawesome. The Cement Foundation is a non-profit organization founded by the members of Fatawesome.

(To purchase the crystal on our behalf, it is available through the Wegner’s Quartz Crystal Mine.)

Attention Red Sox fans. As a dedicated sox fan, are you ever confused at which products you should buy? Do you ever go shopping and question your loyalty when you realize you forgot your Boston Red Sox official sponsor list? Have you ever found yourself crouching naked, shivering over stubborn kindling wood praying for help; warmed only by a baseball cap fitting snuggly on your head, cursing your beloved organization for ruining your free will as a consumer? Well now your hackneyed prayers to the baseball gods are answered. Foreverflame was announced yesterday to be the newest Red Sox sponsor and will hold the greatly desired position as “Official Fire Bellow of the Boston Red Sox”.

Foreverflame was founded in 1688 by English settler Roger Chillingworth after a bitterly cold New England winter forced him to use 8 of his 12 children for firewood. Chillingworth’s business once floundered in a greatly competitive hearth industry but recently has blossomed into the oldest Fortune 500 company in America. “No comment”, said Red Sox owner John Henry of his motivation for the sponsorship.

Joining the likes of the “official data storage provider” (EMC Corp.) and the “official windshield-replacement company” (Giant Glass), Foreverflame agreed to an official sponsorship contract for a rumored 8 figure per year deal. Foreverflame vice president Joe Waterstone believes the exclusivity of the sponsorship is worth the money saying, “I feel replacing Wally the Green the Monster with an oversized fireplace accessory will add a nice touch to the ballpark”. Besides exclusive mascot privileges, umpires at Fenway Park will be contractually obligated to clean home plate every three pitches with a bellow, while the pitcher yells “Foreverflame!”

On August 27th, to celebrate their newest partnership Fenway Park will be holding “Fire Safety Awareness Day”. Game long festivities will include handing out bundles of firewood to the first 350 lucky fans as well as starting massive fires throughout the ballpark. Thanks to the Red Sox’s newest official sponsor, fans can rest easy the next time they are in risk of a smoldering fire or are smelting iron ore.

With the economy steadily declining, American consumers are looking for better deals and more for their dollar. In response, manufacturers are now producing items with increasing utility that are multi-purpose. Products like Old Spice High Endurance hair & bodywash, Crest plus Scope toothpaste, and Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer razor are just a few.

Following suit, Valvoline announced on Monday that it will come out with a groundbreaking new motor oil + personal lubricant called Motorjerk. Valvoline spokespeople stated that the dual action formula will satisfy the need for a more versatile lubricant, giving consumers more bang for their buck. With their new product, Valvoline promises reduced friction, improved viscosity, reduced wear at high temperatures, prevention of clogs and decreased sludge buildup; while also protecting car engines as a motor oil. While this is a bold move by Valvoline, multi-purpose products such as Motorjerk are becoming more common in America because of increased demand for cheaper commodities.