FATAWESOME

(true story)

In the dorm we had we had a boombox in the guys bathroom. The radio usually played as everyone showered and did other bathroom stuff. So I took it upon myself to make a mix cd for everyone to enjoy.

Before the first round of morning classes, the bathroom was always packed. This was when I usually put my mixed cd in to start the day right. Although, it technically wasn’t a mixed cd, because every track was Eifle 65’s “I’m Blue.”

Before the end of the day I would always find the cd broken in two on the bathroom floor; but with a giant spindle of blank cds there was always a fresh copy for the next morning.

For two full weeks I looked forward to waking up and brushing my teeth. Then one afternoon I was walking back from class and saw the boombox smashed on the lawn, thrown out of the fourth-story bathroom window.

January 28, 2008 · Further information pertaining to the BALCO investigation has arose this past month. Once one of the most celebrated stars in the world, cartoon character Road Runner was sentenced Friday to six months in prison for admitting to using performance enhancing drugs. The sentencing judge said the Road Runners’ punishment should send a message to users everywhere.

The judge sentenced the Road Runner despite his plea that he not be separated from his fifteen children.

Road Runner, 35, cried on the shoulder of his wife after learning his fate.

He confessed to doping several times before the start of his fifth season and continued using it thereafter. His lawyer issued a statement saying, “It is true that Mr. Road Runner was injected with HGH on several occasions throughout his career. However, as his body aged and his speed decreased it was the only conceivable way he could continue to provide for his family. A wave of up and coming characters threatened to steal his position and he had no choice.”

When asked if Road Runner had anything to say in his defense he responded…

“Beep Beep.”

You’ve spent countless hours planning the night. All of the AIM flirting, late night phone calls, and text messaging has lead up to this moment…the first date.

Things start off great. The night is planned to a T. First, you bring her out to eat, nothing too fancy but not expensive either. Then you hit up the movies and maybe finish it up with some ice cream. Everything up until this point has been perfect. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any better, she invites you back to her house. Initially, this seems like a great idea so you eagerly accept the invitation. However, this is when your troubles begin. You start to experience a hell that every man faces daily, either at work or in school. As you drive back to her house it begins- Your stomach starts to scream at you, and not just small little gurgles, but explosive animal-like noises that can’t possibly mean anything other than atomic farts.

At first its cool, you hold it in and it goes away, no big deal, disaster avoided. Then as you get closer to her house the pressure inside you builds. Then you have some options…I’m sure some of you have attempted this. You slowly reach for the volume button turning up the music to extreme levels attempting to cover up the sound of the fart. She smiles, you smile back, but you’re actually sweating with concern. You bob your head like you’re really feeling the music while trying to slowly let one go. Only to realize you’re an idiot because you instantly smell it, so you nonchalantly put the windows down….believe me, you didn’t fool her.

For the experienced bachelor’s out there you know the advanced methods. You let your fart go as your slamming the door to your car closed, perfect timing. She’s on the other side of the car, the slam disguises the noise, its genius. This method is clearly the evidence of evolution. Man has discovered ways to shield his farts from potential mates.

You’ve made it to her house but there is still much gas left. You look for reasons to explore the house, acting like you’re interested in the bookshelf in the living room or the plant in the corner. These are your best chances to obtain some relief before you have to sit on a couch for 2 hours, because if you don’t get it out now, you’re screwed.

She calls you to the couch, you take a deep breathe, and prepare for war. The entire time your on the couch your stomach makes noises you didn’t know were possible. The girl can clearly hear it so you constantly fidget and look for papers to shuffle around. All you’re waiting for is that moment when you can walk out her door, swing it closed and let it all go. The joy is almost too much to handle considering you almost black out from bliss as you walk to your car. It can only be described as floating several feet off the ground. It’s really an out of body experience.

Then you embark on the smelliest ride of your life, enjoying every minute.

Fox’s latest reality installment makes a weak attempt to push the boundaries. The premise of the show is to have contestants answer personal questions on national television, in front of family and friends. There are 21 questions with a reward of $500,000 if all of them are answered truthfully. The questions, which get increasingly personal, have all been tested on a polygraph.

I am still lost. The contestant is asked a personal question, like- ‘Have you ever shaken a baby?’ If he or she answers ‘yes’ and the polygraph agrees, the audience claps and the contestant moves on. If they answer ‘no’ and the polygraph says it was true, they lose. They don’t get any money and everyone still knows that they shook a baby.

I also heard Mark Wahlberg was hosting it. I tuned in to find out that it wasn’t the Marky Mark I had hoped for.

Did you know? Talespin’s original title was Fable Gyrations, but writers at Disney changed the title last minute due to legal issues with a separate cartoon of the same name being developed by Warner Bros. Animation.

Something has found us…

It’s not a leprechaun and it’s not Robin Williams.

Expect Blair Witch meets Godzilla. The handheld-camera replicates the indie Blair Witch, but we actually get to see the monster. Like seeing the computer-generated aliens in Signs, it ruins the movie. Also, when half the theater laughs at the climax of a sincere scene, it usually isn’t a good sign.

The biggest hole was that there wasn’t enough of a plot to make a feature film out of, giving the movie a lazy and rushed feeling. I got sucked in for about thirty minutes before I started laughing at parts I shouldn’t have. Lastly, I wasn’t blown away, but if you’re going to see it, definitely see it in theaters. It was entertaining and entertainment is what I paid for, so it gets my recommendation.

I personally would have preferred a completely ridiculous ending, mocking all the hype built around the movie. A Godzilla-sized Robin Williams, overturning cars and telling bad jokes would have been better.

Score: 7