FATAWESOME

Attention Red Sox fans. As a dedicated sox fan, are you ever confused at which products you should buy? Do you ever go shopping and question your loyalty when you realize you forgot your Boston Red Sox official sponsor list? Have you ever found yourself crouching naked, shivering over stubborn kindling wood praying for help; warmed only by a baseball cap fitting snuggly on your head, cursing your beloved organization for ruining your free will as a consumer? Well now your hackneyed prayers to the baseball gods are answered. Foreverflame was announced yesterday to be the newest Red Sox sponsor and will hold the greatly desired position as “Official Fire Bellow of the Boston Red Sox”.

Foreverflame was founded in 1688 by English settler Roger Chillingworth after a bitterly cold New England winter forced him to use 8 of his 12 children for firewood. Chillingworth’s business once floundered in a greatly competitive hearth industry but recently has blossomed into the oldest Fortune 500 company in America. “No comment”, said Red Sox owner John Henry of his motivation for the sponsorship.

Joining the likes of the “official data storage provider” (EMC Corp.) and the “official windshield-replacement company” (Giant Glass), Foreverflame agreed to an official sponsorship contract for a rumored 8 figure per year deal. Foreverflame vice president Joe Waterstone believes the exclusivity of the sponsorship is worth the money saying, “I feel replacing Wally the Green the Monster with an oversized fireplace accessory will add a nice touch to the ballpark”. Besides exclusive mascot privileges, umpires at Fenway Park will be contractually obligated to clean home plate every three pitches with a bellow, while the pitcher yells “Foreverflame!”

On August 27th, to celebrate their newest partnership Fenway Park will be holding “Fire Safety Awareness Day”. Game long festivities will include handing out bundles of firewood to the first 350 lucky fans as well as starting massive fires throughout the ballpark. Thanks to the Red Sox’s newest official sponsor, fans can rest easy the next time they are in risk of a smoldering fire or are smelting iron ore.

‘Twas the night before GTA IV and all through the dorm,
not a student could sleep, anticipating the following morn.

With their laptops a’glow they laid awake in their beds,
while visions of ghostriding motorcycles danced in their heads.

All papers were turned in weeks before due,
and all absences saved for this gaming debut.

The hallways were empty, the RAs were gone,
they camped out at Best Buy ’til it opened at dawn.
So I stared out my window and gazed at the stars,
dreaming of beating pedestrians and stealing cop-cars.

Images of morning flashed through my head-
The sidewalks are abandoned, the dining hall’s dead.
“It’s Grand Theft Auto Day,” one student declares,
while professors stare upon empty desk-chairs.

Back to reality, assured my papers were emailed,
I fought back my urges but facebook prevailed.
No friend adds or pokes, but three group invitations,
And a list of requests for ignored applications.

I depend on the internet to kill some more time,
Collegehumor and Youtube are favorites of mine.
I even give my old Yahoo account a quick look,
over a thousand BULK mails, it’s back to facebook.
No updates in the last three seconds- surprise,
so I laid down in bed and force shut my eyes.

When out of the bathroom arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bunk to check on the matter.
Away to the stalls I kicked open the door,
to find my dear roommate curled on the floor.
He rocked back and forth, while clutching his knees,
then faintly exclaimed, “Tell me it’s morning please.”
Back to our room I led him away,
“Sleep,” I whispered, “for tomorrow we play.”

My schedule was cleared as strategically planned,
Goodbye internet world, I’m sure you’ll understand.

And as I begin to drift off to sleep,
I count guns in my head, rather than sheep.
Alas I remember, there’s one thing remaining,
my preoccupation will need some explaining.
So I post an away messege that’s brilliantly witty-
FATAWESOME.com is off to Liberty City.

They say that necessity is the father of invention, but a local personal trainer and part-time inventor disagrees. Maceo Braxton, of Worcester MA, has dubbed himself the father of the father of invention, also known among family and friends as the grandfather of invention.

“So many day-to- day activities take up more time and effort than they should so I am constantly coming up with ideas to simplify my life. Since I decided to pursue this new venture I haven’t been able to sleep. I always carry a notebook and pencil with me to write down my ideas- which logically led to the creation of my pencil-notebook mittens.”

Braxton’s first invention, patent-pending, is projected to revolutionize the snacking world. The new oreo-friendly dipping cup has already created quite a stir in his neighborhood, leaving children and the elderly alike, licking their blackened teeth between smiles. The product’s design is similar to a normal cup, but with double the circumference. This altercation allows even the largest of hands to dunk an oreo smoothly into the milk of their choice, leaving the edges of their cup smudgeless and their fingers lactose-free.

“I am also in the process of patenting an entire series of creations that will allow people to remove leisure activities from their schedule. After a long week of work or school, everyone has their hobbies to tend to- from video games, painting, sports, gardening, reading, or listening to music. I want to make machines that will do these activities for people. Imagine a machine that would play video games, or even go bird-watching for you. Imagine the ability to do absolutely nothing. Maybe someday we’ll even have an invention that will invent things for us.”

An optimistic Braxton, who spends days and nights in his garage, has vowed not to rest until he can rest more easily or have something rest for him. Until then, the public will carry on their lives with slightly more ease at the expense of this brilliant man.